Sages are benevolent without trying,
Trusted without speaking.
They gain without seeking,
Succeed without striving.
They take naturalness to heart,
Preserve ultimate reality,
Embrace the Way,
And promote sincerity,
So the whole world follows them as echoes
Respond to sounds;
As shadows imitate forms.
What they work on is the root.
 - Wen-tzu, courtesy of dailyzen.com
Anyone who comes in for psychotherapy is, by default, stimulating their inner sage. We all have the capacities for everything that is described in this poem. In therapy we work on the root. That does not necessarily mean long conversations about childhood experience. The root is the  basic assumptions we have about our self, our life, and our world. As new ideas emerge in our conversations,  ultimate reality is preserved. What we take for granted becomes a rich experience  of wonder and amazement. Our capacity to modify and change our basic assumptions helps us to take this  naturalness to heart and promote a sincerity in our personal growth. A natural outcome of this work is a cultivated benevolence and selfless regard for others. We are the Way.

If your mind is fixed on a certain spot,
It will be seized by that spot and
No activities can be performed efficiently.
Not to fix your mind anywhere is essential.
Not fixed anywhere,
The mind is everywhere
The Original Mind is like water which flows freely
Whereas the deluded mind is like ice
There is a passage in the Diamond Sutra that says:
"The mind should operate without abiding anywhere."
 - Takuan (1573-1645) courtesy of dailyzen.com

Freud taught us to maintain an evenly hovering attention when listening to our clients. His point was an open mind allows us to pay attention to everything that is discussed with equal importance and regard. I  listen to the struggles and concerns of my clients with an open heart and an open mind. When the hour is up they return to their painful life while I get a cup of coffee.  While that may sound callous it is an important part of coping with a day filled with appointments. Fixing my mind and holding onto that pain  commits a tremendous amount of mental energy which  would increase exponentially as the day progressed. I take a few minutes between each session to pause with the all important in-breath and reflect on what was discussed before returning to the present moment. It creates a pace that allows me to be fully present and fully available to each of my clients; from the first appointment till the last. If we can apply this strategy to our lives we can perform our activities more efficiently.  Taking small breaks through out the day creates an opportunity to let go of those thoughts that demand tremendous amounts of mental energy. By aspiring to engage our lives with an Original Mind we can manage our pain; our fears; and our joys with resilience and equanimity. Letting go is not forgetting, letting go is allowing everything  to be a part of our life with equal importance and regard. “Like water that flows freely.”

Our original mind includes everything within itself. It is always rich and sufficient within itself.
You should not lose your self-sufficient state of mind. This does not mean a closed mind, but actually an empty mind and a ready mind.
If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few.
                                                                      - Shunryu Suzuki (1905-1971) courtesy of dailyzen.com

“ I know what I need to do, I just don't do it”. This is a very common phrase I hear in the initial meeting with a new client. A very powerful belief that allows the individual to be trapped in a web of shame and self contempt. Therapy can make this worse by insisting there are many possibilities.  We sit with this dilemma and spend our time understanding the different ways it disrupts and complicates daily life. Despair is the most powerful outcome and can have a devastating effect on an individual’s quality of life. Thoughts of suicide are not far behind, especially if there is a belief that others are suffering as a result of this constant failure. As we sit, our conversation creates a new space to explore. A space that is validating and supportive will allow  the idea of a beginners mind to emerge in our shared endeavor. The many possibilities of the beginner’s mind arise in subtle ways. To shift into an active problem solving discussion obscures their presence. It's like identifying  a faint star in the sky by looking to the side and seeing it in our peripheral vision.  The discovery of a new experience usually happens between sessions when my client is engaged in some other activity. We celebrate these revelations  and begin discussing the next steps for this new beginning.  When we can step back from our self defeating beliefs our beginner’s mind is engaged. Our self sufficient state of mind  resides in the periphery of our consciousness. In a loving and nurturing environment we can help each other to tap into it’s limitless possibilities.

Reaching my hut built of quiet mystery,
I sweep clouds away and settle into repose.
There's no one left to climb with me beyond
Slippery moss and frail vines to this peak
Where autumn winds bluster and breeze
And spring grasses grow lush and green.
                  - Hsieh Ling-yun (385-433 C.E.) courtesy of dailyzen.com


We all fear being alone in the world. Our relationships are an essential part of our sense of self identity. In therapy the work is often directed to the conflicts experienced in the interpersonal arena. I like the idea that each of us has a hut built of quiet mystery. A metaphorical “place” for us to settle into repose. It is a dangerous delusion to think we can achieve a state of equanimity that allows us to experience life without pain.  For the hut to be a refuge we need to allow all of our feelings to settle with us.  Insight and self awareness are far more important than comfort.  Conflicts in our relationships are the most important opportunities for us to deepen our understanding of ourselves. If everything is going well there is no motivation to change. Relationships grow and develop over time, there is a necessary tension that facilitates this process. The quiet mystery of our hut is the uncertainty that allows these changes to happen. To step into this  uncertainty is to walk  the path to our hut. It is a path we have to walk alone if we are to discover our own truths. As we come to know ourselves we are able to have meaningful and fulfilling relationships with the important people in our life.

If one lives in peace, a day can be like a year.
Trying to sleep, I toss and turn on the worn out mat,
And pace around and around
In my tattered monk's shawl.
The Master suggests I make my bed
Among the wind and bamboo,
And have a drink beside the waters of the rocky spring.
A nod of the head, and all worldly affairs seem wrong.
Laughing at myself,
I understand the wisdom of the Master.
- Su Shih 1073 courtesy of dailyzen.com

Giving advice in psychotherapy is a risky endeavor. I frustrate many of my clients when I decline their requests for advice. A suggestion to make a bed among the wind and bamboo is to allow one to find their own answers. I work hard to ask questions that encourage self reflection and curiosity. We all seek a life in peace; in the spirit of the bodhisattva we seek peace for all sentient beings. We engage in life as a student and a master. My work is to allow my clients to recognize the master within; drink beside the waters of a rocky stream; and realize the opportunities for a life in peace.

Contemplate the mind;
This king of emptiness
Is subtle and abstruse.
Without shape or form,
It has great spiritual power.
It can eliminate all calamities
And accomplish all merits.
Master Fu (497-569) courtesy of dailyzen.com

The time that is spent in therapy is often subtle and abstruse. We sit for 50 minutes and reflect on the events and the concerns of the past week.Exploring and working through fears is a difficult task. The goal is always to contemplate the mind.The effort to do that is not an easy one. Calamities tend to elicit strong feelings,we are reacting to very serious situations and   we seek dramatic solutions to our problems. The decision to seek professional help happens when we are overwhelmed by the circumstances of our life. When we find a place to sit still long enough to tell our story the contemplation begins. By bearing witness to the pain and to the struggle  I am able to carefully slow the pace of my client's experience and allow the subtle and abstruse qualities to emerge in our conversations. This is the essence of active contemplation. We discover new possibities and new perspectives in our careful study of the presenting calamity.Change becomes a natural outcome of this work. To sit still and listen to our breathing helps us to slow the pace  of our experience and connect with a great power to work through calamities and grow stronger and wiser in the process.

You are a seeker.
Delight in the mastery
Of your hands and your feet,
Of your words and your thoughts.
Delight in meditation and in solitude.
Compose yourself, be happy.
You are a seeker.
-Buddha in the Dhammapada, courtesy of dailyzen.com


A common symptom of depression is isolation. People can spend hours in bed; shut in their houses; and avoiding human contact. The experience is agonizing and grows more powerful with each day spent in the dark . The desire for death becomes stronger and more possible when someone is convinced they are truly alone in the world. The process of psychotherapy is to realize we are seekers and can experience unconditional positive self regard when in the company of others. To delight in the mastery of our hands and feet we need to accept all aspects of ourselves without judgement. As a seeker we turn our life’s journey into a pilgrimage. We pursue new understandings of our self and others. We turn to meditation and solitude as a healthy refuge to cultivate our inherent compassion and loving-kindness. As a seeker we embody the Awakened Way and celebrate our connection with the world.

A soaring endlessly curving path,
every few miles we have to rest.
I look around for my friends.
They've vanished in the wooded hills.

Rain floods the pine trees
and flows hushed among the rocks.
There are silent words deep in hill water,
a long whistle over the summits.

When I look at South Mountain
the sun floats white through the mist.
A blue marsh is luminous and clear.
Green trees are heavy shadows, drifting.

When I am tired of being closed in,
suddenly I come upon a clearing,
and the mind is at peace.
-Wang Wei (699-759) courtesy of dailyzen.com

One of the joys of being a psychotherapist is to witness a client's moment of clarity. The decision to seek professional help for psychological issues takes a tremendous amount of courage. We all want to believe we can take care of ourselves. I believe that each person who comes into my office arrives with the tools and solutions to their problems. I offer the space for us to discover them. Sometimes the discovery happens between sessions and my client walks in with a new confidence and wisdom; and sometimes it happens during the session and we are both aware of coming upon a clearing. The work shifts to understanding the meaning of the discovery so that my client knows what has been realized and what inner resources were utilized to allow that discovery to happen. What I take away from this elegant poem is the reassurance that when we help each other to quiet the myriad thoughts racing around in our minds we can experience that clearing;find our solutions;and enjoy the peace of confidence in ourselves.

Calming the Mind

Too much knowledge
Leads to overactivity;
Better to calm the mind.
The more you consider,
The greater the loss;
Better to unify the mind.
                -Shih Wang Ming (6th c) courtesy of dailyzen.com

Many of my clients report a tendency to “overthink” their concerns. This leads to exaggerating the seriousness or severity of the problem and a subsequent overreaction. It's interesting to note that they often have loved ones who tell them they overthink the problem and need to learn how to relax. All well and good but just telling someone to relax or calm down usually leads to the opposite reaction.
Shih Wang Ming tells us too much knowledge leads to overactivity. I think there is an important difference between having knowledge and seeking knowledge. Being open to new experiences potentiates our self discovery, reacting defensively creates impenetrable walls between us and the world. When we feel isolated or abandoned our anxiety generates the overactivity in our minds. When we feel curious there is a natural opening to the world around us. Our awareness of being in either of these conditions is our enlightened mind that by default has the calm and equanimity we need to unify the mind.
Mindfulness strategies are oriented to cultivating our enlightened mind so that we become more confident in all aspects of ourselves.We can utilize the calm from our enlightened mind to slow down;take a breath; and approach a difficult situation with an open heart.

This one word "awareness" is the source of all wonders. Because of delusion concerning this awareness, the marks of self arise. When it is assumed that there is "I" or "mine," liking and disliking automatically appear.
                                   - Chinul (1209) courtesy of dailyzen.com

Self awareness is a very common term in therapy. People are evaluated on their level of self awareness; distortions in their self awareness; and inhibitions of self awareness. The suffering of my clients comes from a variety of sources. A frequent source is the belief that their struggle is brought on by others. Their reactions are the result of what others are doing or not doing to them. A tough one is the abuse inflicted on a child and the impact that has on the now grown adult's life. The experience of helplessness and the rage of being victimized is profound and can be very disruptive.
When we can recognize the delusion concerning awareness our experience of our self deepens. We know our pain and our suffering in a new way. Instead of the helplessness and rage we can acknowledge our wounds as an important part of who we are; we can transcend the actions of others and discover the compassion of our true self.

Do not permit the events
Of your daily lives to bind you,
But never withdraw yourselves from them.
Only by acting thus can you earn the title of
A Liberated One.
                 -Huang Po courtesy of dailyzen.com

I warn my clients about the consequences of using “but” to connect different feelings or experiences. “ I had a great day but my energy level was pretty low.” A significantly different way of expressing this perception is: “ I had a great day and my energy level was pretty low.”
The ability to experience all different aspects of ourselves with equal importance and concern is a fundament part of a mindful life. Then this poem comes along and encourages non attachment but stay connected.
This poem demands a deeper understanding of how the Awakened Way benefits everyone, not just myself. So many of my clients have found a great benefit from helping others. Interpersonal learning is a very powerful curative factor in group therapy. Being able to reflect on the experience of helping without attention to personal gain is to transcend any attachments and experience liberation.

Living in the world,
Yet not clinging to or forming
Attachments for the dust of the world,
Is the way of a true Zen student.
Witnessing the good actions of another person
Encourage yourself to follow their example.
Hearing of the mistaken action of another person,
Advise yourself not to emulate it.
Even though you are alone in a dark room
Conduct yourself as though you were facing a noble guest.
                                                                          - Zen-Getsu  courtesy of dailyzen.com
The essence of mindfulness is the open acknowledgement of all our feelings and experiences. When we can sift through all the judgements we impose upon ourselves we discover our capacity for compassion. When we act in compassionate ways we strengthen that part of us. Encouraging and advising ourselves is not as simple as this poem suggests. Behind both of them is self doubt and resentment.
Many of my clients struggle with the tasks of meditation and express frustration with themselves for not being able to stay focused on their breathing. A tougher experience is the reports of anger and impatience with others who are not as mindful. “They just don't get it” becomes a banner of self righteous mindfulness. It is easy to contaminate our refuge with pride and unworthiness.
Humility is a cornerstone for 12 step programs. A humble approach to life allows us to learn from experience and forgive ourselves for our mistakes. When we face a noble guest we can open our hearts to our compassion and loving-kindness. Our return to the breath becomes the essence of our meditation; when others are engaging in mistaken actions we can deal with it and not have the added burden of resentment; and we can relax into the peace and joy of the present moment.

I went deep in the mountains to gather firewood.

In the mountains' depths were stream after stream.

Where a bridge had fallen,

A recumbent log was clasped,

Where the road dropped sheer, 

Hanging vines were held.

By sunset companions had grown fewer,

And a mountain wind brushed my burlap robes.

A long song, my light staff over my shoulder,

I gazed into mist of wild plains and went home. 

-Meng Hao-jan courtesy of dailyzen.com

In many ways psychotherapy is about going deep in the mountains to gather firewood. They are my client's mountains, I do not provide a path rather I serve as a traveling companion. We journey through the damage in his or her  life and make the discoveries that are so beautifully articulated in this poem. The fallen bridges of failed relationships or endeavors in our life are explored from the natural supports; if the road falls away breath us we utilize the hanging vines to continue in our journey. When we are sitting in my office the subtle riches of the present moment are discovered within the painful emotional experiences. They accumulate over time and become the precious light needed to explore the dark. At the end of the day I return to my home having gazed into the mist of wild plains with courageous people seeking some enlightenment.

Do not sit with a mind fixed on emptiness.

If you do, you will fall into a neutral kind of emptiness.

Emptiness includes the sun, moon, stars and planets,

The great earth, mountains and rivers, 

All trees and grasses,

Bad people and good people, 

Bad things and good things,

Heaven and hell; 

They are all in the midst of emptiness. 

                       -Hui-neng (638-713) courtesy of dailyzen.com 

A mind fixed on emptiness is a mind afraid of loneliness . Helping people get out of abusive and toxic relationships is a challenge when this fear is strong in a person's mind. To be alone is intolerable.  The cycle of abuse, followed by remorse and forgiveness; and a return to the abusive dynamics is extremely hard to interrupt. As a therapist I have to be careful about advocating for change if the individual is not ready to face those fears. I ,in effect, become another significant person in their life who is making impossible demands. Helping someone discover all that is in the midst of emptiness provides a unique opportunity to transform that fear into curiosity and determination.  To discern the bad people and bad things from the good people and good things allows all of us to experience life in an authentic and compassionate way. The abuser is seen as a person who can make the choice to change. The decision to leave a bad relationship when that choice is not made, is experienced as self care without passing judgement on the other. Keeping our mind open to all that is present in the emptiness allows us to step into new relationships with an open heart. It also allows us to step away from those who hurt us with that same open heart.

The sun's light is not destroyed, but merely deflected by the clouds and mists. The pure mind possessed by all sentient beings is also like this, in simply being covered by the layered clouds of discriminative thinking, false thoughts, and views. 

If one can just distinctly maintain awareness of the mind and not produce false thought then the Dharma sun of nirvana will be naturally manifest. Therefore, it is known that one's own mind is inherently pure. 

 - Hung-jen (605-651) courtesy of dailyzen.com 

I often tell my clients that the phrase " just do it" minimizes the challenges and struggles  of  life. I am not sure if anyone “can just distinctly maintain awareness of the mind".  I am sure that the attempts to maintain awareness of the mind is the heart and soul of cultivating mindfulness.  Discriminative thinking,  false thoughts, and views are with me everyday and every night. When I am able to catch myself thinking in any of these ways I return to a distinct awareness of the mind.  Then life comes along and yanks me out of my reverie to deal with some unpleasant task. It occurs to me that if I know my mind is inherently pure what do I do with all this other stuff that keeps getting in the way? I wonder if the answer is in the metaphor of the clouds ability to deflect the sun's light. The light is still there even though it is not visible at the moment.  My false thoughts only deflect the Dharma sun of nirvana. The light is always there and when it is revealed I experience a reconciliation with my  discriminative  thinking. Even better I come away with a new piece of wisdom that will stay with me always.

I gaze on myself in the stream's emerald flow

Or sit on a boulder by a cliff.

My mind, a lonely cloud, leans on nothing,

Needs nothing from the world and its endless events. 

       - Han Shan (9th century).   Courtesy of dailyzen.com 

John O'Donohue once said “We cannot gaze upon our own faces, we depend upon the gaze of others to validate who we are”.  He was speaking about connection; about empathy; and about loving- kindness.  When I reflect on the gazing in the stream's emerald flow I am challenged by the apparent contradiction. Am I dependent on the gaze of others or is there nothing that I need from the world?  How similar is that to the conflicts in our sense of self? How am I unique and how am I the same as everyone else? Too much either way becomes a disruptive dynamic in our ability to cope. My clients struggle with their longing for and their fear of independence.  When we discover that awareness of our needs we discover that our needs are not who we are. They are what we have. Which is true of our fears and triumphs. The question of who we are is always on the horizon of our journey. I celebrate my time with those I love and I celebrate my time on the boulder. Both are important for me to sit with the unanswered questions and the unsolved mysteries of my existence.

Like a broken gong

Be still, be silent.

Know the stillness of freedom

Where there is no more striving. 

                     - Buddha in the Dhammapada courtesy of dailyzen.com 

Silence is a critical part of psychotherapy. I sit with my client who is still and staring across the room or down at the table before him. Sometimes we joke about the awkward silence which helps to dispel the assumption of a power struggle. When thoughts are elusive and feelings are a challenge to label, the silence between us is a safe and patient space. There can be a confidence in the discovery of what needs to be said. So many sessions can be filled with chatter, it's the silences that are a prelude to something meaningful. Fear is challenging to articulate. We fight against it, trying to put distance between ourselves and what is frightening.  When the silence can be the stillness then we change directions and move towards fear. To sit still with our fear is to understand and respect it's presence in our hearts. Silence in psychotherapy is an opportunity for change, not a resistance to treatment. 

When the master 

Without a word raises his eyebrows

The posts and rafters

The cross beams and roof tree

Begin to smile

There is another place for conversing

Heart to heart

The full moon and the breeze

At the half-open window. 

                                 - Muso Soseki (1275-1351). courtesy of dailyzen.com 

I can still bring up moments when a teacher or a supervisor told me they were pleased with my work. There is a real challenge in developing confidence as a therapist. When I first started I kept thinking that any moment now this family I am working with is going to realize I do not know what I am doing.  My relationship with my clinical supervisor became a model for true not knowing. Her raised eyebrows helped me to pause and think about my thinking. There was never a sense of  getting it right or wrong. It was always about curiosity and discovery. These heart to heart conversations became the touchstone for my practice.  Not knowing became a foundation for my life.

Cold night, no wind, bamboo making noises,

Noises far apart, now bunched together, 

Filtering the pine-flanked lattice. 

Listening with ears is less fine than

Listening with the mind. 

Beside the lamp I lay

Aside the half scroll of sutra

 - Hsu-t'ang Chih-yu.                Courtesy of dailyzen.com 

As a family therapist I spend my days listening with great care to what others are saying about their lives, their fears, and their dreams. Do I listen with my ears or do I listen with my mind? We are taught to listen with evenly hovering attention so that we are not limiting our understanding of what is being said. How easy it is to decide what the issue is and to find all the statements that prove it. That is probably a good example of listening with my ears. When I remain open and fully present with my client, connecting empathically with the fears and concerns, I am listening with my mind and I guess, by default,listening with my heart. Deep listening allows compassion to be truly altruistic. 

Truth's naked radience, 

Cut off from the sense and the world, 

Shines by itself. 

No words for it. 

                           - Pai-chang (720-814)

When I am sitting quietly, content with my life, I feel that radiance. When I am angry, anxious and outraged over something someone has done , that radiance is a little more elusive. To deny my feelings does not seem to be the answer. To sit with the rage is hard, very hard. I will ruminate on all that has happened, what was said, what I plan to say. I run these dialogs in my head and they all seem to favor an aggressive response that puts the other in their “place”. I return to the in breath and for a moment it is just me and my rage. No relief from anything, it is a toxic weight on my heart and at the same time it is an important part of who I am. And that becomes the task, accepting both parts with equal regard and respect. Perhaps it is contentment that sits between me and the shining radiance of truth. The journey continues...

You must perceive your essential nature before you attain enlightenment. What is perceiving essential nature? It means perceiving your own original nature. What is its form? When you perceive your own origianl nature, there is no concrete object to see. This is hard to believe in, but all buddhas achieve it. 

                                                                              - Hsueh-feng (822-908)

I have become a big fan of these questions. They are 1100 years old and can still stop me right in my tracks. I think I have an affection for answers, my comfort and self esteem respond very well to correct answers. Getting acknowledged for a good answer by someone else is icing on the cake. What is perceiving essential nature does not really allow for a quick answer. It invites me to come and sit for moment, quiet the ongoing monologue in my head and pay attention to it's essence. 

It has been asked, "How should those who enter the path apply their minds?"

All things are originally uncreated and presently undying. Just let your mind be free; you don't have to restrain it. 

See directly and hear directly; come directly and go directly. When you must go, then go; when you must stay, then stay.

This is the true path. A scripture says, "Conditional existence is the site of enlightenment, insofar as you know it as it really is." 

                        - Niu-t'ou Hui-chung (683-769) courtesy of dailyzen.com 

I have a great talent of taking simple tasks or plans and making them overwhelmingly complex. Frustrations mount exponentially and my tolerance becomes non existent. I have had this talent for most of my life and it has created all kinds of suffering. To see and hear directly is clearly the antidote to all this meshugaas . The idea of coming and going directly is so profoundly simple that it proves to be elusive. One breath at a time for this one. “The journey of a thousand miles.....”

”If you knew me as well as you know yourself, you would not have killed me.” These words are inscribed on every genocide memorial in Rwanda. It was an honor to have been a part of Bernie Glassman's Bearing Witness Retreat in Rwanda. Sitting next to the mass graves in deep silence opened my heart and mind to “not knowing” and allowed me to listen fully to the stories of survivors and perpetrators. Their stories are my stories, their stories are our stories. The connection to the people of that remote part of the world was as natural and real as any family member or friend here in the States. The people in Zen Peacemakers carved out a safe space for all of us to step into the darkest of the dark and find the light of reconciliation and renewal. I will be forever grateful to them and my new friends in Rwanda for this profound and illuminating experience. 

Attain the center of emptiness,

Preserve the utmost quiet; 

As myriad things act in concert, 

I thereby observe the return. 

Things flourish, 

Then each returns to its root. 

Returning to the root

Is called stillness: 

Stillness is called return to Life, 

Return to Life is called the constant; 

Knowing the constant is called enlightenment. 

                                              - Tao-te Ching (courtesy of dailyzen.com)

I am mesmerized by this passage. The connection between returning to the root and enlightenment is a luminous path for me. When the days get very busy and hectic. When I have countless concerns and worries I need to pause long enough to discern the path I am on. That is not so easy. It is almost as if I hold on to all those worries like they are precious possessions that belong to me and no one else. Letting go seems too easy and seems close to denial. My worries are legitimate and the possibility of horrible things happening is valid. Then I read this passage and it opens the eyes of my heart to the background of all my thoughts. Stillness becomes a refuge for me to return to life. And I know that I can return as many times as I need to.

I explain to you matters pertaining to enlightenment,

But don't try to keep your mind on them. 

Just turn to the ocean of your own essence

And develop practical accord with its nature. 

 - Yangshan ( dailyzen.com)

To develop practical accord with the nature of my own essence seems easier said than done.  When I am impatient or defensive or resentful I know I am out of touch with my essence. When I am sitting and following my breath without counting I am in touch with my essence. When I want to be there again I know that it will elude me. When I can be helpful I have more of those moments of clarity. Wondering if the acceptance of those moments is a large part of developing a practical accord with the nature of my own essence.

People who study Buddhism 

Should seek real, true 

Perception and understanding for now.

If you attain real, true 

Perception and understanding,

Birth and death don't affect you;

You are free to go or stay.

You needn't seek wonders,

For wonders come of themselves. 

                  - Linji (d. 867?)

Finding time to study Buddhism can be a challenge. My days fill up so easily. The intention of studying remains strong. My plan to sit and study later in the day becomes a week and eventually a month. I become resentful about the importance of study. How easy it is to rationalize my management of time so that my priorities of obligations and self care simply make it impossible to carve out time for sitting. I wish I could write something here about a discovery and an amazing change to all this. It wouldn't be true. The importance of study can easily overshadow the act of study. When I take a precious moment and pay attention to an in-breath I have a better chance  to attain real and true perception and understanding. 

Becoming a buddha is easy

But ending illusions is hard

So many frosted moonlit nights

I've sat and felt the cold before dawn. 

 - Shih-wu (1272-1352). Courtesy of dailyzen.org 

It is very easy to become a fair weather Buddha. As long as everything is going well I will practice loving-kindness and not-knowing. I failed to give myself enough room to pull into a parking spot and scraped the bumper of the car next to me. I was only there to drop a package off and my mind immediately went to being able to get out of there before anyone notices. No loving-kindness at that moment. I dropped off my package and returned to my car, scanning the parking lot for any witnesses. The damage was only cosmetic but it was very noticeable on the other persons car. That was when the question emerged"What is the right thing to do?”

So I left my phone number and insurance info on a piece of paper under his windshield wiper and drove on to work. Once there I called the whole thing into my insurance company and they gave me info to pass on to the other driver to get his car fixed. He called that evening and spent the first part of our conversation telling me how much he appreciated the note on the car. All I said was “It was the right thing to do because it's the right thing to do.”

After all the years of meditation and study I was very disappointed in myself for my initial adolescent response to what I did and how I could get away with it.  Perhaps that was my cold before the dawn. When I confront my behavior directly the teachings of the eight fold path are right there as a guide to the steps I need to take. I suppose we all hope that we will eventually be free of having to confront our own behavior, that with enough practice we will be so enlightened that we will always do the right thing at the right time. Perhaps that is the real cold before the dawn, the illusion of being perfect is a subtle and insidious blockage to being fully present in the moment. I will continue to stumble through my life, confident in my incompetence and open to the ever present need to practice and cultivate loving-kindness.

When you are deluded and full of doubt,

Even a thousand books of scripture are still not enough. 

When you have realized understanding, 

Even one word is already too much. 

Zen is communicated personally, 

Through mental recognition. 

It is not handed on directly by written words.

                                                             - Fenyang ( courtesy of Daily Zen)

Finding the answers in a book. There are a number of wise and articulate people out there who write books about life. Strategies for coping with stress and philosophies on ways to relate to ourselves and each other. Yet the truth cannot be experienced on any of those pages. Truth is lived, truth is the experience of life in each moment. Truth is the next in-breath. I find comfort in a well written book or article. The language resonates with my unconscious mind such that I have the experience of how it all makes sense to me. The trick is to keep that separate from the moment at hand. All the phrases and paragraphs pass quietly when my attention is on the breath. That is when the truth is at hand.

I love the cave of ignorance. There I said it, no more secrets, no long winded proclamations of austere and mindful awareness. Give me a nice cave of ignorance any time. It will always be nice because with ignorance I wouldn't know any better. My day is filled with opportunities for a little cave sitting; weekends hold the promise of whole days and nights in the cave.

The cave wanders by while in zazen and how easy for me to step inside, away from the in-breath and immerse myself in the desires and worries of the day.

And then I take the next breath and the door swings open again.....

And I arouse my aspiration for enlightenment.

Reworking this blog to allow a variety of thoughts and experiences. A recent trip to the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe NM was a culmination of many years of study and devotion to Zen and the beginner's mind. I return with a deeper regard for the quiet inside and a gratitude for the silence of the heart.