More years than I can remember,
Until today I just grabbed a vine
And started up.
Halfway up wind and a heavy mist closed in,
And the narrow path tugged at my shirt;
It was hard to get on.
The slippery mud under the moss
On the rocks gave way,
And I couldn't keep going.
So here I stay,
Under this cinnamon tree,
White clouds for my pillow,
I'll just take a nap.
- Han Shan courtesy of dailyzen.com
One of the most persistent and defeating issues is the desire to make a change but unable to follow through. “I know what I need to do, I just don’t do it”. In therapy we can spend weeks struggling with this sequence of events. My client leaves the office with every intention of doing something different only to return the next week frustrated with his failure. When he began therapy, he told me about what he wanted to do. I sit with him and we grab the vine together for the session, aware of the wind and heavy mist; slipping on the narrow path as we move from session to session. And then the rocks give way. Each session becomes a repeated confession of failure. He doesn’t feel stuck; he feels like he is slipping backwards; undoing the progress he experienced with me. He discovered his cinnamon tree when I asked him to pause and consider all the things that make up his life in this moment. We take time to pay attention to the subtle details that exist in the moments of each day. The white clouds have always been there for him, the shadows of his thoughts and feelings about his future kept them out of site. Now he is able to take a nap and I know that one day he will grab a new vine and continue on his journey to his East Cliff.
