I gaze on myself in the stream's emerald flow

Or sit on a boulder by a cliff.

My mind, a lonely cloud, leans on nothing,

Needs nothing from the world and its endless events. 

       - Han Shan (9th century).   Courtesy of dailyzen.com 

John O'Donohue once said “We cannot gaze upon our own faces, we depend upon the gaze of others to validate who we are”.  He was speaking about connection; about empathy; and about loving- kindness.  When I reflect on the gazing in the stream's emerald flow I am challenged by the apparent contradiction. Am I dependent on the gaze of others or is there nothing that I need from the world?  How similar is that to the conflicts in our sense of self? How am I unique and how am I the same as everyone else? Too much either way becomes a disruptive dynamic in our ability to cope. My clients struggle with their longing for and their fear of independence.  When we discover that awareness of our needs we discover that our needs are not who we are. They are what we have. Which is true of our fears and triumphs. The question of who we are is always on the horizon of our journey. I celebrate my time with those I love and I celebrate my time on the boulder. Both are important for me to sit with the unanswered questions and the unsolved mysteries of my existence.

Like a broken gong

Be still, be silent.

Know the stillness of freedom

Where there is no more striving. 

                     - Buddha in the Dhammapada courtesy of dailyzen.com 

Silence is a critical part of psychotherapy. I sit with my client who is still and staring across the room or down at the table before him. Sometimes we joke about the awkward silence which helps to dispel the assumption of a power struggle. When thoughts are elusive and feelings are a challenge to label, the silence between us is a safe and patient space. There can be a confidence in the discovery of what needs to be said. So many sessions can be filled with chatter, it's the silences that are a prelude to something meaningful. Fear is challenging to articulate. We fight against it, trying to put distance between ourselves and what is frightening.  When the silence can be the stillness then we change directions and move towards fear. To sit still with our fear is to understand and respect it's presence in our hearts. Silence in psychotherapy is an opportunity for change, not a resistance to treatment. 

When the master 

Without a word raises his eyebrows

The posts and rafters

The cross beams and roof tree

Begin to smile

There is another place for conversing

Heart to heart

The full moon and the breeze

At the half-open window. 

                                 - Muso Soseki (1275-1351). courtesy of dailyzen.com 

I can still bring up moments when a teacher or a supervisor told me they were pleased with my work. There is a real challenge in developing confidence as a therapist. When I first started I kept thinking that any moment now this family I am working with is going to realize I do not know what I am doing.  My relationship with my clinical supervisor became a model for true not knowing. Her raised eyebrows helped me to pause and think about my thinking. There was never a sense of  getting it right or wrong. It was always about curiosity and discovery. These heart to heart conversations became the touchstone for my practice.  Not knowing became a foundation for my life.