Becoming a buddha is easy

But ending illusions is hard

So many frosted moonlit nights

I've sat and felt the cold before dawn. 

 - Shih-wu (1272-1352). Courtesy of dailyzen.org 

It is very easy to become a fair weather Buddha. As long as everything is going well I will practice loving-kindness and not-knowing. I failed to give myself enough room to pull into a parking spot and scraped the bumper of the car next to me. I was only there to drop a package off and my mind immediately went to being able to get out of there before anyone notices. No loving-kindness at that moment. I dropped off my package and returned to my car, scanning the parking lot for any witnesses. The damage was only cosmetic but it was very noticeable on the other persons car. That was when the question emerged"What is the right thing to do?”

So I left my phone number and insurance info on a piece of paper under his windshield wiper and drove on to work. Once there I called the whole thing into my insurance company and they gave me info to pass on to the other driver to get his car fixed. He called that evening and spent the first part of our conversation telling me how much he appreciated the note on the car. All I said was “It was the right thing to do because it's the right thing to do.”

After all the years of meditation and study I was very disappointed in myself for my initial adolescent response to what I did and how I could get away with it.  Perhaps that was my cold before the dawn. When I confront my behavior directly the teachings of the eight fold path are right there as a guide to the steps I need to take. I suppose we all hope that we will eventually be free of having to confront our own behavior, that with enough practice we will be so enlightened that we will always do the right thing at the right time. Perhaps that is the real cold before the dawn, the illusion of being perfect is a subtle and insidious blockage to being fully present in the moment. I will continue to stumble through my life, confident in my incompetence and open to the ever present need to practice and cultivate loving-kindness.