Do not sit with a mind fixed on emptiness.

If you do, you will fall into a neutral kind of emptiness.

Emptiness includes the sun, moon, stars and planets,

The great earth, mountains and rivers, 

All trees and grasses,

Bad people and good people, 

Bad things and good things,

Heaven and hell; 

They are all in the midst of emptiness. 

                       -Hui-neng (638-713) courtesy of dailyzen.com 

A mind fixed on emptiness is a mind afraid of loneliness . Helping people get out of abusive and toxic relationships is a challenge when this fear is strong in a person's mind. To be alone is intolerable.  The cycle of abuse, followed by remorse and forgiveness; and a return to the abusive dynamics is extremely hard to interrupt. As a therapist I have to be careful about advocating for change if the individual is not ready to face those fears. I ,in effect, become another significant person in their life who is making impossible demands. Helping someone discover all that is in the midst of emptiness provides a unique opportunity to transform that fear into curiosity and determination.  To discern the bad people and bad things from the good people and good things allows all of us to experience life in an authentic and compassionate way. The abuser is seen as a person who can make the choice to change. The decision to leave a bad relationship when that choice is not made, is experienced as self care without passing judgement on the other. Keeping our mind open to all that is present in the emptiness allows us to step into new relationships with an open heart. It also allows us to step away from those who hurt us with that same open heart.