Money,Money,Money

One of the tougher issues in a family is finances. It doesn't really matter if it's too much, not enough, or just right. Money is an emotionally loaded commodity. Families in therapy will often have presenting problems related to differences in ways finances should be managed. Anxiety tends to find a home in this area. Money can be more about will we have enough than anything else. We deal with this in a variety of ways. The desire to spend and the desire to save are two sides of the same coin.

While we all need something to live on, our needs can easily take over and become the manager of our life.  Getting things and not wanting to lose anything is a great source of suffering when we lose sight of what we have. Conversations about money easily escalate into verbal and even physical abusive fights. What is it about this subject that can trigger such deep levels of anger and resentment?  We get so caught up in the belief that we are what we have and to be without is an assault on our sense of competency and worthiness. To lose everything is to suffer great humiliation. To have everything is a grand and common fantasy. If we can embrace the idea that to be rich is to need the least not have the most we can start to look at finances as just a necessary tool for us to make our way in the world.

Conversations about money are productive when a family can brainstorm and problem solve the concerns. Focus on the short term and long term goals for the family. Decisions can be made with a shared understanding of what everyone wants without getting in the way of what the family needs.

Cabin Fever

Those of us on the east coast have begun the routine of winter weather closing schools and keeping us indoors for extended periods of time. This will push the limits of any family, healthy or otherwise. While the go to strategy is "finding something to do", I want to address a more fundamental aspect of these experiences.

Restlessness and boredom are subtle expressions of being unfulfilled. An underlying factor of this is the fear of inadequacy. Fear of inadequacy is something we all contend with in our lives. The restlessness of being indoors is often expressed in a way that suggests not doing what you think you should be doing. We get caught up in the other place we want to be and forget to attend to why we are unhappy with where we are now. That is where the fear sits, very quietly but very present in our unconscious mind. Our aversion to it makes a lot of sense and is the knee jerk reaction we all have when faced with it. 

Being inside can be a time to sit quietly . Gentle and slow breathing gives the entire body a break from the tasks and worries of the day. This frees up our conscious mind to be more curious about those fears that dwell in the unconscious. Wondering about these things strengthens our identity as a seeker of truth and understanding. Our identification with these fears will weaken and will eventually be understood as self imposed. The space we gain is the breath we take as we sit and explore our cabin fever.

Just a little peace and quiet.

We all seek solitude from time to time. The pause for our own company is an oasis for some, a desert for others. The price of disengagement is high, especially if you are using "me time" to avoid the stress and conflict of relationships. The ability to manage tough situations requires time and attention to the issues and the people involved in them. The effort yields wisdom and can deepen relationships to more emotionally fulfilling levels.

Families come to therapy because there is a breakdown in communication. If disengagement is a culprit the system has been corrupted by resentment and outrage. Accusations like " you don't care" are defended with " you don't appreciate what I do for you" The hurt is felt by all and the distance can grow to estrangement that can last decades.

Finding the right words can be difficult if the pattern for coping is to avoid. The  opportunity to express love without guilt or shame will open new pathways to communicate and new ways to resolve conflict. This happens when a family discovers an important value they share about life.  When each knows the other wants the same thing, they join in a mutual endeavor. Joining does not mean smothering and the ability to clarify the boundaries between the family and each member is the last step in the process. Peace and quite can be had by all.

Happy Thanksgiving

Making Plans

Families have their own way of time management. The task is fairly daunting. Making sure everything that needs to be done is done and allow for time to enjoy life is up against several members having completely different priorities and needs. Since a family is not a democracy and an iron fisted ruler creates a miserable home life where is the middle way?

Power struggles can easily erupt in these situations with demands being met with directives and ultimately the threat of punishment. Trying to make everyone happy leads to resentments.

The challenge is in finding a suitable framework for managing the family calendar.

One way is to start with defining family values. Health and well being tops the list. The three tiered system for community health can be adapted to a family. Prevention involves well check ups with the family physician; keeping the kitchen stocked with a good assortment of healthy foods; maintaining a level of cleanliness in the home to control for germs. Treatment involves maintaining a good sleep schedule; having open and direct conversations about frustrations and worries; and making sure everyone gets down time to play, individually and together. Crisis intervention is the family's plan to handle emergencies that inevitably disrupt the schedule. It is crucial to maintain an approach to crisis as a natural part of life and not a source of failure or disappointment because something had to be canceled to deal with the emergency.

All activities are identified as falling somewhere in these three tiers and then they will be prioritized not by what someone wants to do but on what is important for each member to do for themselves and each other. The above list is not exhaustive by any means. Each family knows what is important to live well. Each family knows the resources they have to support and love each other.

Holidays x 2

There is a unique challenge for families with dual households regarding the holidays. How to split the time equally is the driving force for either creativity or anger and resentment. The process can become even more complicated as children grow into adolescence and young adulthood. They are looking for acknowledgement of their personal and social needs in celebrating the holidays. In other words there are multiple currents from multiple sources colliding around a small but important segment of time. How it is spent is not as important as the meaning given to the way it is spent.

It is not unusual for families with dual households to seek therapy for help in resolving holiday issues. The stress related to this time of year can make what is difficult, unbearable for any family. Decisions are made reactively; arguments can quickly escalate to verbal and even physical abuse. Conversations are especially challenging when it is about plans for the holidays. A family can have a difficult time using the therapy session to explore their experiences or find creative solutions. This is especially true when the parents are divorced with joint custody.I tend to be more of a referee than facilitator, imposing a structure that tries to keep the conversation to a dull roar.

After the dust settles we sit and look at each other, frustrated, exhausted and doubtful about the effectiveness of these sessions. Knowing that both parents want a solution is the most important consideration. This one shared understanding becomes an opportunity to shift into a here-and-now focus that helps the family engage in a conversation about how this particular meeting played out. What gets in the way of mutual understanding and what blocks their creative problem solving skills? Being able to consider  these points with an open heart and an open mind is an important first step in finding a more compassionate resolution of the multiple currents from multiple sources. As always the ability to slow down, pause and consider things is not so easy. To tell you to just do it does not respect the powerful emotions and worries that make life so very complicated.  I do know that to step back  and take a deep breath will slow the heart rate just enough to think about what are old issues that led to the divorce and what are the resources to draw from today to make the holidays work for everyone

The Holidays

We approach the holiday season with a variety of feelings and concerns. These times are significant on many levels. They serve as markers for our personal history and by default become subject to comparisons. The perfect holiday becomes the goal and the nemesis for a family. The actual days themselves are not as difficult as the weeks preceding them. Anticipation, desire, and apprehension are challenging experiences. If we lose sight of that, the holidays can become a time of irritability, resentment, and despair.

Families rarely come into treatment for the holidays. Whatever the issues it seems that in most cases the holidays are “making them worse”. The biggest challenge for a family is a recent death and the experience of the holidays for the first time without someone they love. This challenge can serve as a template for all of us to make these days free from expectation and allow them to be precious moments of compassion and grace. 

Approach this time with an open heart and an open mind. Be with the ones you love or gather with others in celebration of the spirit of the holidays. Anticipation can be managed with a focus on the present moment. Desire is a path to walk rather than a goal to achieve. Allow each day between now and the beginning of the new year to stand on it's own merits. Allow the pain and sadness to “have a place at the table" because they are just as important as happiness and joy. Family becomes the holding place for all experience in the spirit of loving kindness and compassion.

The mirror on the wall

When any one of us looks in a mirror the image before us is much more than than our eyes processing our reflection. The experience is heavily influenced by our self awareness, including all that we admire and all we detest about ourselves. These beliefs are forged over the years by our successes and our failures. The family is at the center of this complex and dynamic process. When a family comes in for therapy their issues are usually magnified by conflicting perceptions of each other.

The ultimate goal for the developing self is a strong sense of individuality coupled with a strong affiliation with family. So much of this is contingent on factors outside of our control. The interaction of our neurological strengths and weaknesses with the unpredictable environment accounts for a great deal of self identity. The family is the main stage for these factors to play out. Severe dysfunction in a family, like addictions, domestic violence, or sexual abuse compromises the member's sense of individuality. Everyone has a role to play for the family to keep intact. The need to compensate for severe dysfunction comes with a price for each family member.

Therapy addresses this issue by helping the family to acknowledge the issues in a non judge mental setting. The idea that we are who we are and the fact that the family is sitting in my office wanting to get better is a very powerful combination. The  unconditional love a family must have to pile in the car and drive out to see me, usually in the evening after school and work, is brought out in conversations about how each member feels about themselves and each other. Anger gives way to fear and shame. We hold these feelings with the respect they deserve and use them to connect with compassion and loving kindness. When there is a sense of being loved by the others there is greater awareness of the love we have to give to others.

When the experience with the mirror is one of reassurance  we can step away from our family and keep them in our hearts as we pursue our dreams.

The Panic Button

Rarely has a family come to therapy to avoid a crisis. The idea of seeking professional help in anticipation of a problem does not make a whole lot of sense. Actually that kind of reasoning is more symptomatic of an anxiety disorder.  I was told the Chinese symbol for crisis is the same symbol for opportunity. It is translated in the context of it's use. In therapy there is a search for the opportunities that exist in each crisis.

Hitting the panic button is natural reaction to anything that threatens a family or a particular member of a family. The basic rules of fight or flight apply equally to a family.  Panic is a reaction, it makes sense to realize one does not consider options and decide on panic. Reactions are immediate like reflexes they happen without hesitation without intention. Family therapy addresses the consequences of a family's reactions.

Anger is the most destructive force in panic. Parents can respond with anger when they are afraid, an angry teenager is a classic stereotype of the crisis of adolescence. Family has an important role of validating it's members, in terms of commonality and of uniqueness. When anger is the dominating emotion in family communication , a cycle of defensiveness sets in and the family is stuck with the battle over who is right and who is wrong.

The process of de briefing provides a structure for a family to work through the hurt feelings and identify the new challenges it may face with the new opportunities. Focus on listening and understanding shifts a family from reactivity to mindful wondering. Change can then be something everyone can step into knowing they have the love and support from each other.

Go Ask Your Mother

A classic expression many of us have used on more than one occasion. Deferring requests from our children is a time honored strategy for conflict avoidance. Right behind that is the "if it's okay with your father it's okay with me”. Under the usual give and take of daily life these statements pose little or no harm on a family's ability to meet each other's needs.  A child's request for more than what they already have has been the subject of debate in many parenting  circles.  Decisions to say yes or no are very simple on the surface but can also be suggestive of deeper conflicts in family roles and expectations.

Each time a conflict is avoided the ability to tolerate conflict is diminished. When patterns of avoidance dominate a family the ability to trust and respect is compromised.  A child perceives a parent's avoidance as a rejection. The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference and it is indifference that will create more significant damage to a family than a good old fashion fight ever could. When we are fully present with our family we can take care of the unpleasant task of saying no to someone we love knowing that our compassion for each other can only be strengthened by the work conflict may bring.

Taking It Out on Each Other

Difficult times in the world are felt in different ways by families. I want to make the distinction between direct and indirect stressors. Life stressors run the range of impact, from a devastating loss of a loved one to losing cable and internet during a thunderstorm. Anxiety is the response to stress and we are alerted to a change that needs our attention. Problem solving and coping will be clear when the life stressor is clear. It is much easier to understand someone's irritability when everyone knows it is a tough time. Direct stressors are best exemplified by a family's relocation to another part of the country. The family knows that the “adjustment” can be easy or tough for each family member.

When the stressors are subtler and more indirect there is a greater tendency to feel unjustly attacked or criticized by a family member . This is especially true for those families who have lost a loved one and are two to three years into their mourning. Tempers can be short, kids can act out at school or at home and couples can have a lower tolerance for each other's faults or bad habits. On a subtler scale the culmination of various family member's individual life stressors  can raise the tension level at home. If a family is unaware of the source of this tension members will experience the difficulties as personal attacks. Defensive reactions and arguments over who is right and who is wrong become ineffective ways of resolving conflicts and in fact become an additional stressor on the family.

Taking time to listen to each other, to communicate an understanding of what each member is going through in their individual lives, will create a pause in the tension. A pause long enough for everyone to engage in a more reflective conversation. Family meetings can be a great way to make this happen. Find a time that is best for everyone, make sure everyone is fed and rested, and open the meeting with each member getting the opportunity to talk about the struggles and issues they are having while everyone else listens.  From here a family has a much better chance of working out conflicts, maintaining family rules and expectations; and finding new ways to be with each other.

Family Anxiety

Following up on my previous post, trauma leaves a mark on a family that will go away after a very long time. The fear of another traumatic event lingers in the back of everyone's mind. Much like Post-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder, the family's anxiety can be triggered by relatively innocuous events which result is over reacting. Parents can become over protective and children can become hyper-sensitive to any disruptions in their world.
While the immediacy of the loss recedes it is replaced with a constant discomfort and unease as background noise to the daily tasks of life. Happiness becomes brief and anger becomes the norm. To connect these experiences with the trauma is to subject yourself to the pain again. It is easier to find blame in the people or the events of today.
Taking care of ourselves is so important. When families can accept and understand their struggles they find ways to comfort and reassure each other without judgement or resentment.

Another day, another mass shooting.

Another day, another mass shooting. My complacency is frightening. The magnitude of these deaths is more than I care to grasp. It is very hard to sit with an open mind and heart in the midst of so much death, grief, and trauma. And there are no answers. We can make commitments to change, advocate for potential solutions, and analyze the perpetrator. After all is said and done the families of these victims have to carry on with their lives. That is the part we fear the most.
When I am working with a family that has lost a member from a traumatic event I have to pay close attention to the ways they hold each other. Holding happens physically, emotionally and cognitively. Are they spread out in my office? Who is sitting away from the others? Who is sitting the closest together? These observations give me a sense of the families ability to gather as one while respecting the individuality of each.
How responsive are they to each other's expressions of pain, sorrow, and joy? The emotional holding in a family is a dynamic process between nurturing and distancing. We can take care of each other as long as we take care of ourselves.Anxiety looms large in these situations and anger becomes a quick tool for managing fear and uncertainty.
How does the family make decisions? Is there a balance between brain storming and directives? Trauma has a profound impact on our cognitive skills. The experience of overwhelming pain and loss impairs concentration and organizational abilities. Families can vacillate between aggressive command and paralyzingly indecisiveness.
The work we do is hard and challenging. As the weeks pass and they find a rhythm to their experience of pain and loss, they begin the slow and painful process of integrating their loss into their life's journey.

Another Dimension

I have signed on with Bernie Glassman's Zenpeacemakers trip to Rwanda in April 2014. I am excited about going. It has been over 14 years since I last went to Africa. Then it was a trip to St. Nicholas Orphanage in Nairobi, Kenya. The experiences over there have had a profound impact on my life and I will always be grateful for the children there who taught me so much about love, suffering and forgiveness.
Now it is a trip to mark the 20th anniversary of the genocide. Bearing witness to the survivors and their stories of loss and destruction is a primary goal of this trip. It is the opportunity of a lifetime. To sit with those who endured so much more than any of us can imagine is to sit in the midst of all we fear  and all we abhor. From that perspective the power of the human spirit to overcome and continue to move forward  is to know the deepest joy of this life.

The Journey Begins

School starts on Tuesday so my beginning of this blog has relevance to all of us. Many years of getting my kids throught the night before first day and  my own childhood fears of what will happen tomorrow continue to color the days and nights of the Labor Day weekend. It was always easier if I began a year of school with friends especially those who were with me during the summer. To be the new kid at school was always a challenge.
To be in the dark about the next day is to be in a very lonely place. A running theme in this blog will be the difference between solitude and isolation. Solitude is a place of reflection and discovery. Isolation is a refuge from our fears. When you can take the experience of isolation and transform it into solitude you are able to connect with fear and doubt with out being controlled by fear and doubt.
I believe that we all have that experience when we walk through those school doors sit at our desks and listen to the teacher's introduction to the upcoming year. The moment at hand is more powerful than the fear of what will be.
Best wishes for  the passing of time, may the hours before that first day be filled with wonderful distractions and may each of us remember that discovery defeats apprehension.