Holidays x 2

There is a unique challenge for families with dual households regarding the holidays. How to split the time equally is the driving force for either creativity or anger and resentment. The process can become even more complicated as children grow into adolescence and young adulthood. They are looking for acknowledgement of their personal and social needs in celebrating the holidays. In other words there are multiple currents from multiple sources colliding around a small but important segment of time. How it is spent is not as important as the meaning given to the way it is spent.

It is not unusual for families with dual households to seek therapy for help in resolving holiday issues. The stress related to this time of year can make what is difficult, unbearable for any family. Decisions are made reactively; arguments can quickly escalate to verbal and even physical abuse. Conversations are especially challenging when it is about plans for the holidays. A family can have a difficult time using the therapy session to explore their experiences or find creative solutions. This is especially true when the parents are divorced with joint custody.I tend to be more of a referee than facilitator, imposing a structure that tries to keep the conversation to a dull roar.

After the dust settles we sit and look at each other, frustrated, exhausted and doubtful about the effectiveness of these sessions. Knowing that both parents want a solution is the most important consideration. This one shared understanding becomes an opportunity to shift into a here-and-now focus that helps the family engage in a conversation about how this particular meeting played out. What gets in the way of mutual understanding and what blocks their creative problem solving skills? Being able to consider  these points with an open heart and an open mind is an important first step in finding a more compassionate resolution of the multiple currents from multiple sources. As always the ability to slow down, pause and consider things is not so easy. To tell you to just do it does not respect the powerful emotions and worries that make life so very complicated.  I do know that to step back  and take a deep breath will slow the heart rate just enough to think about what are old issues that led to the divorce and what are the resources to draw from today to make the holidays work for everyone