Another day, another mass shooting.

Another day, another mass shooting. My complacency is frightening. The magnitude of these deaths is more than I care to grasp. It is very hard to sit with an open mind and heart in the midst of so much death, grief, and trauma. And there are no answers. We can make commitments to change, advocate for potential solutions, and analyze the perpetrator. After all is said and done the families of these victims have to carry on with their lives. That is the part we fear the most.
When I am working with a family that has lost a member from a traumatic event I have to pay close attention to the ways they hold each other. Holding happens physically, emotionally and cognitively. Are they spread out in my office? Who is sitting away from the others? Who is sitting the closest together? These observations give me a sense of the families ability to gather as one while respecting the individuality of each.
How responsive are they to each other's expressions of pain, sorrow, and joy? The emotional holding in a family is a dynamic process between nurturing and distancing. We can take care of each other as long as we take care of ourselves.Anxiety looms large in these situations and anger becomes a quick tool for managing fear and uncertainty.
How does the family make decisions? Is there a balance between brain storming and directives? Trauma has a profound impact on our cognitive skills. The experience of overwhelming pain and loss impairs concentration and organizational abilities. Families can vacillate between aggressive command and paralyzingly indecisiveness.
The work we do is hard and challenging. As the weeks pass and they find a rhythm to their experience of pain and loss, they begin the slow and painful process of integrating their loss into their life's journey.