Difficult times in the world are felt in different ways by families. I want to make the distinction between direct and indirect stressors. Life stressors run the range of impact, from a devastating loss of a loved one to losing cable and internet during a thunderstorm. Anxiety is the response to stress and we are alerted to a change that needs our attention. Problem solving and coping will be clear when the life stressor is clear. It is much easier to understand someone's irritability when everyone knows it is a tough time. Direct stressors are best exemplified by a family's relocation to another part of the country. The family knows that the “adjustment” can be easy or tough for each family member.
When the stressors are subtler and more indirect there is a greater tendency to feel unjustly attacked or criticized by a family member . This is especially true for those families who have lost a loved one and are two to three years into their mourning. Tempers can be short, kids can act out at school or at home and couples can have a lower tolerance for each other's faults or bad habits. On a subtler scale the culmination of various family member's individual life stressors can raise the tension level at home. If a family is unaware of the source of this tension members will experience the difficulties as personal attacks. Defensive reactions and arguments over who is right and who is wrong become ineffective ways of resolving conflicts and in fact become an additional stressor on the family.
Taking time to listen to each other, to communicate an understanding of what each member is going through in their individual lives, will create a pause in the tension. A pause long enough for everyone to engage in a more reflective conversation. Family meetings can be a great way to make this happen. Find a time that is best for everyone, make sure everyone is fed and rested, and open the meeting with each member getting the opportunity to talk about the struggles and issues they are having while everyone else listens. From here a family has a much better chance of working out conflicts, maintaining family rules and expectations; and finding new ways to be with each other.
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