Reworking this blog to allow a variety of thoughts and experiences. A recent trip to the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe NM was a culmination of many years of study and devotion to Zen and the beginner's mind. I return with a deeper regard for the quiet inside and a gratitude for the silence of the heart.

Money,Money,Money

One of the tougher issues in a family is finances. It doesn't really matter if it's too much, not enough, or just right. Money is an emotionally loaded commodity. Families in therapy will often have presenting problems related to differences in ways finances should be managed. Anxiety tends to find a home in this area. Money can be more about will we have enough than anything else. We deal with this in a variety of ways. The desire to spend and the desire to save are two sides of the same coin.

While we all need something to live on, our needs can easily take over and become the manager of our life.  Getting things and not wanting to lose anything is a great source of suffering when we lose sight of what we have. Conversations about money easily escalate into verbal and even physical abusive fights. What is it about this subject that can trigger such deep levels of anger and resentment?  We get so caught up in the belief that we are what we have and to be without is an assault on our sense of competency and worthiness. To lose everything is to suffer great humiliation. To have everything is a grand and common fantasy. If we can embrace the idea that to be rich is to need the least not have the most we can start to look at finances as just a necessary tool for us to make our way in the world.

Conversations about money are productive when a family can brainstorm and problem solve the concerns. Focus on the short term and long term goals for the family. Decisions can be made with a shared understanding of what everyone wants without getting in the way of what the family needs.

Cabin Fever

Those of us on the east coast have begun the routine of winter weather closing schools and keeping us indoors for extended periods of time. This will push the limits of any family, healthy or otherwise. While the go to strategy is "finding something to do", I want to address a more fundamental aspect of these experiences.

Restlessness and boredom are subtle expressions of being unfulfilled. An underlying factor of this is the fear of inadequacy. Fear of inadequacy is something we all contend with in our lives. The restlessness of being indoors is often expressed in a way that suggests not doing what you think you should be doing. We get caught up in the other place we want to be and forget to attend to why we are unhappy with where we are now. That is where the fear sits, very quietly but very present in our unconscious mind. Our aversion to it makes a lot of sense and is the knee jerk reaction we all have when faced with it. 

Being inside can be a time to sit quietly . Gentle and slow breathing gives the entire body a break from the tasks and worries of the day. This frees up our conscious mind to be more curious about those fears that dwell in the unconscious. Wondering about these things strengthens our identity as a seeker of truth and understanding. Our identification with these fears will weaken and will eventually be understood as self imposed. The space we gain is the breath we take as we sit and explore our cabin fever.

Just a little peace and quiet.

We all seek solitude from time to time. The pause for our own company is an oasis for some, a desert for others. The price of disengagement is high, especially if you are using "me time" to avoid the stress and conflict of relationships. The ability to manage tough situations requires time and attention to the issues and the people involved in them. The effort yields wisdom and can deepen relationships to more emotionally fulfilling levels.

Families come to therapy because there is a breakdown in communication. If disengagement is a culprit the system has been corrupted by resentment and outrage. Accusations like " you don't care" are defended with " you don't appreciate what I do for you" The hurt is felt by all and the distance can grow to estrangement that can last decades.

Finding the right words can be difficult if the pattern for coping is to avoid. The  opportunity to express love without guilt or shame will open new pathways to communicate and new ways to resolve conflict. This happens when a family discovers an important value they share about life.  When each knows the other wants the same thing, they join in a mutual endeavor. Joining does not mean smothering and the ability to clarify the boundaries between the family and each member is the last step in the process. Peace and quite can be had by all.

Happy Thanksgiving

Making Plans

Families have their own way of time management. The task is fairly daunting. Making sure everything that needs to be done is done and allow for time to enjoy life is up against several members having completely different priorities and needs. Since a family is not a democracy and an iron fisted ruler creates a miserable home life where is the middle way?

Power struggles can easily erupt in these situations with demands being met with directives and ultimately the threat of punishment. Trying to make everyone happy leads to resentments.

The challenge is in finding a suitable framework for managing the family calendar.

One way is to start with defining family values. Health and well being tops the list. The three tiered system for community health can be adapted to a family. Prevention involves well check ups with the family physician; keeping the kitchen stocked with a good assortment of healthy foods; maintaining a level of cleanliness in the home to control for germs. Treatment involves maintaining a good sleep schedule; having open and direct conversations about frustrations and worries; and making sure everyone gets down time to play, individually and together. Crisis intervention is the family's plan to handle emergencies that inevitably disrupt the schedule. It is crucial to maintain an approach to crisis as a natural part of life and not a source of failure or disappointment because something had to be canceled to deal with the emergency.

All activities are identified as falling somewhere in these three tiers and then they will be prioritized not by what someone wants to do but on what is important for each member to do for themselves and each other. The above list is not exhaustive by any means. Each family knows what is important to live well. Each family knows the resources they have to support and love each other.

Holidays x 2

There is a unique challenge for families with dual households regarding the holidays. How to split the time equally is the driving force for either creativity or anger and resentment. The process can become even more complicated as children grow into adolescence and young adulthood. They are looking for acknowledgement of their personal and social needs in celebrating the holidays. In other words there are multiple currents from multiple sources colliding around a small but important segment of time. How it is spent is not as important as the meaning given to the way it is spent.

It is not unusual for families with dual households to seek therapy for help in resolving holiday issues. The stress related to this time of year can make what is difficult, unbearable for any family. Decisions are made reactively; arguments can quickly escalate to verbal and even physical abuse. Conversations are especially challenging when it is about plans for the holidays. A family can have a difficult time using the therapy session to explore their experiences or find creative solutions. This is especially true when the parents are divorced with joint custody.I tend to be more of a referee than facilitator, imposing a structure that tries to keep the conversation to a dull roar.

After the dust settles we sit and look at each other, frustrated, exhausted and doubtful about the effectiveness of these sessions. Knowing that both parents want a solution is the most important consideration. This one shared understanding becomes an opportunity to shift into a here-and-now focus that helps the family engage in a conversation about how this particular meeting played out. What gets in the way of mutual understanding and what blocks their creative problem solving skills? Being able to consider  these points with an open heart and an open mind is an important first step in finding a more compassionate resolution of the multiple currents from multiple sources. As always the ability to slow down, pause and consider things is not so easy. To tell you to just do it does not respect the powerful emotions and worries that make life so very complicated.  I do know that to step back  and take a deep breath will slow the heart rate just enough to think about what are old issues that led to the divorce and what are the resources to draw from today to make the holidays work for everyone

The Holidays

We approach the holiday season with a variety of feelings and concerns. These times are significant on many levels. They serve as markers for our personal history and by default become subject to comparisons. The perfect holiday becomes the goal and the nemesis for a family. The actual days themselves are not as difficult as the weeks preceding them. Anticipation, desire, and apprehension are challenging experiences. If we lose sight of that, the holidays can become a time of irritability, resentment, and despair.

Families rarely come into treatment for the holidays. Whatever the issues it seems that in most cases the holidays are “making them worse”. The biggest challenge for a family is a recent death and the experience of the holidays for the first time without someone they love. This challenge can serve as a template for all of us to make these days free from expectation and allow them to be precious moments of compassion and grace. 

Approach this time with an open heart and an open mind. Be with the ones you love or gather with others in celebration of the spirit of the holidays. Anticipation can be managed with a focus on the present moment. Desire is a path to walk rather than a goal to achieve. Allow each day between now and the beginning of the new year to stand on it's own merits. Allow the pain and sadness to “have a place at the table" because they are just as important as happiness and joy. Family becomes the holding place for all experience in the spirit of loving kindness and compassion.