People who study Buddhism 

Should seek real, true 

Perception and understanding for now.

If you attain real, true 

Perception and understanding,

Birth and death don't affect you;

You are free to go or stay.

You needn't seek wonders,

For wonders come of themselves. 

                  - Linji (d. 867?)

Finding time to study Buddhism can be a challenge. My days fill up so easily. The intention of studying remains strong. My plan to sit and study later in the day becomes a week and eventually a month. I become resentful about the importance of study. How easy it is to rationalize my management of time so that my priorities of obligations and self care simply make it impossible to carve out time for sitting. I wish I could write something here about a discovery and an amazing change to all this. It wouldn't be true. The importance of study can easily overshadow the act of study. When I take a precious moment and pay attention to an in-breath I have a better chance  to attain real and true perception and understanding. 

Becoming a buddha is easy

But ending illusions is hard

So many frosted moonlit nights

I've sat and felt the cold before dawn. 

 - Shih-wu (1272-1352). Courtesy of dailyzen.org 

It is very easy to become a fair weather Buddha. As long as everything is going well I will practice loving-kindness and not-knowing. I failed to give myself enough room to pull into a parking spot and scraped the bumper of the car next to me. I was only there to drop a package off and my mind immediately went to being able to get out of there before anyone notices. No loving-kindness at that moment. I dropped off my package and returned to my car, scanning the parking lot for any witnesses. The damage was only cosmetic but it was very noticeable on the other persons car. That was when the question emerged"What is the right thing to do?”

So I left my phone number and insurance info on a piece of paper under his windshield wiper and drove on to work. Once there I called the whole thing into my insurance company and they gave me info to pass on to the other driver to get his car fixed. He called that evening and spent the first part of our conversation telling me how much he appreciated the note on the car. All I said was “It was the right thing to do because it's the right thing to do.”

After all the years of meditation and study I was very disappointed in myself for my initial adolescent response to what I did and how I could get away with it.  Perhaps that was my cold before the dawn. When I confront my behavior directly the teachings of the eight fold path are right there as a guide to the steps I need to take. I suppose we all hope that we will eventually be free of having to confront our own behavior, that with enough practice we will be so enlightened that we will always do the right thing at the right time. Perhaps that is the real cold before the dawn, the illusion of being perfect is a subtle and insidious blockage to being fully present in the moment. I will continue to stumble through my life, confident in my incompetence and open to the ever present need to practice and cultivate loving-kindness.

When you are deluded and full of doubt,

Even a thousand books of scripture are still not enough. 

When you have realized understanding, 

Even one word is already too much. 

Zen is communicated personally, 

Through mental recognition. 

It is not handed on directly by written words.

                                                             - Fenyang ( courtesy of Daily Zen)

Finding the answers in a book. There are a number of wise and articulate people out there who write books about life. Strategies for coping with stress and philosophies on ways to relate to ourselves and each other. Yet the truth cannot be experienced on any of those pages. Truth is lived, truth is the experience of life in each moment. Truth is the next in-breath. I find comfort in a well written book or article. The language resonates with my unconscious mind such that I have the experience of how it all makes sense to me. The trick is to keep that separate from the moment at hand. All the phrases and paragraphs pass quietly when my attention is on the breath. That is when the truth is at hand.

I love the cave of ignorance. There I said it, no more secrets, no long winded proclamations of austere and mindful awareness. Give me a nice cave of ignorance any time. It will always be nice because with ignorance I wouldn't know any better. My day is filled with opportunities for a little cave sitting; weekends hold the promise of whole days and nights in the cave.

The cave wanders by while in zazen and how easy for me to step inside, away from the in-breath and immerse myself in the desires and worries of the day.

And then I take the next breath and the door swings open again.....

And I arouse my aspiration for enlightenment.

Reworking this blog to allow a variety of thoughts and experiences. A recent trip to the Upaya Zen Center in Santa Fe NM was a culmination of many years of study and devotion to Zen and the beginner's mind. I return with a deeper regard for the quiet inside and a gratitude for the silence of the heart.

Money,Money,Money

One of the tougher issues in a family is finances. It doesn't really matter if it's too much, not enough, or just right. Money is an emotionally loaded commodity. Families in therapy will often have presenting problems related to differences in ways finances should be managed. Anxiety tends to find a home in this area. Money can be more about will we have enough than anything else. We deal with this in a variety of ways. The desire to spend and the desire to save are two sides of the same coin.

While we all need something to live on, our needs can easily take over and become the manager of our life.  Getting things and not wanting to lose anything is a great source of suffering when we lose sight of what we have. Conversations about money easily escalate into verbal and even physical abusive fights. What is it about this subject that can trigger such deep levels of anger and resentment?  We get so caught up in the belief that we are what we have and to be without is an assault on our sense of competency and worthiness. To lose everything is to suffer great humiliation. To have everything is a grand and common fantasy. If we can embrace the idea that to be rich is to need the least not have the most we can start to look at finances as just a necessary tool for us to make our way in the world.

Conversations about money are productive when a family can brainstorm and problem solve the concerns. Focus on the short term and long term goals for the family. Decisions can be made with a shared understanding of what everyone wants without getting in the way of what the family needs.

Cabin Fever

Those of us on the east coast have begun the routine of winter weather closing schools and keeping us indoors for extended periods of time. This will push the limits of any family, healthy or otherwise. While the go to strategy is "finding something to do", I want to address a more fundamental aspect of these experiences.

Restlessness and boredom are subtle expressions of being unfulfilled. An underlying factor of this is the fear of inadequacy. Fear of inadequacy is something we all contend with in our lives. The restlessness of being indoors is often expressed in a way that suggests not doing what you think you should be doing. We get caught up in the other place we want to be and forget to attend to why we are unhappy with where we are now. That is where the fear sits, very quietly but very present in our unconscious mind. Our aversion to it makes a lot of sense and is the knee jerk reaction we all have when faced with it. 

Being inside can be a time to sit quietly . Gentle and slow breathing gives the entire body a break from the tasks and worries of the day. This frees up our conscious mind to be more curious about those fears that dwell in the unconscious. Wondering about these things strengthens our identity as a seeker of truth and understanding. Our identification with these fears will weaken and will eventually be understood as self imposed. The space we gain is the breath we take as we sit and explore our cabin fever.