Do not sit with a mind fixed on emptiness.

If you do, you will fall into a neutral kind of emptiness.

Emptiness includes the sun, moon, stars and planets,

The great earth, mountains and rivers, 

All trees and grasses,

Bad people and good people, 

Bad things and good things,

Heaven and hell; 

They are all in the midst of emptiness. 

                       -Hui-neng (638-713) courtesy of dailyzen.com 

A mind fixed on emptiness is a mind afraid of loneliness . Helping people get out of abusive and toxic relationships is a challenge when this fear is strong in a person's mind. To be alone is intolerable.  The cycle of abuse, followed by remorse and forgiveness; and a return to the abusive dynamics is extremely hard to interrupt. As a therapist I have to be careful about advocating for change if the individual is not ready to face those fears. I ,in effect, become another significant person in their life who is making impossible demands. Helping someone discover all that is in the midst of emptiness provides a unique opportunity to transform that fear into curiosity and determination.  To discern the bad people and bad things from the good people and good things allows all of us to experience life in an authentic and compassionate way. The abuser is seen as a person who can make the choice to change. The decision to leave a bad relationship when that choice is not made, is experienced as self care without passing judgement on the other. Keeping our mind open to all that is present in the emptiness allows us to step into new relationships with an open heart. It also allows us to step away from those who hurt us with that same open heart.

The sun's light is not destroyed, but merely deflected by the clouds and mists. The pure mind possessed by all sentient beings is also like this, in simply being covered by the layered clouds of discriminative thinking, false thoughts, and views. 

If one can just distinctly maintain awareness of the mind and not produce false thought then the Dharma sun of nirvana will be naturally manifest. Therefore, it is known that one's own mind is inherently pure. 

 - Hung-jen (605-651) courtesy of dailyzen.com 

I often tell my clients that the phrase " just do it" minimizes the challenges and struggles  of  life. I am not sure if anyone “can just distinctly maintain awareness of the mind".  I am sure that the attempts to maintain awareness of the mind is the heart and soul of cultivating mindfulness.  Discriminative thinking,  false thoughts, and views are with me everyday and every night. When I am able to catch myself thinking in any of these ways I return to a distinct awareness of the mind.  Then life comes along and yanks me out of my reverie to deal with some unpleasant task. It occurs to me that if I know my mind is inherently pure what do I do with all this other stuff that keeps getting in the way? I wonder if the answer is in the metaphor of the clouds ability to deflect the sun's light. The light is still there even though it is not visible at the moment.  My false thoughts only deflect the Dharma sun of nirvana. The light is always there and when it is revealed I experience a reconciliation with my  discriminative  thinking. Even better I come away with a new piece of wisdom that will stay with me always.

I gaze on myself in the stream's emerald flow

Or sit on a boulder by a cliff.

My mind, a lonely cloud, leans on nothing,

Needs nothing from the world and its endless events. 

       - Han Shan (9th century).   Courtesy of dailyzen.com 

John O'Donohue once said “We cannot gaze upon our own faces, we depend upon the gaze of others to validate who we are”.  He was speaking about connection; about empathy; and about loving- kindness.  When I reflect on the gazing in the stream's emerald flow I am challenged by the apparent contradiction. Am I dependent on the gaze of others or is there nothing that I need from the world?  How similar is that to the conflicts in our sense of self? How am I unique and how am I the same as everyone else? Too much either way becomes a disruptive dynamic in our ability to cope. My clients struggle with their longing for and their fear of independence.  When we discover that awareness of our needs we discover that our needs are not who we are. They are what we have. Which is true of our fears and triumphs. The question of who we are is always on the horizon of our journey. I celebrate my time with those I love and I celebrate my time on the boulder. Both are important for me to sit with the unanswered questions and the unsolved mysteries of my existence.

Like a broken gong

Be still, be silent.

Know the stillness of freedom

Where there is no more striving. 

                     - Buddha in the Dhammapada courtesy of dailyzen.com 

Silence is a critical part of psychotherapy. I sit with my client who is still and staring across the room or down at the table before him. Sometimes we joke about the awkward silence which helps to dispel the assumption of a power struggle. When thoughts are elusive and feelings are a challenge to label, the silence between us is a safe and patient space. There can be a confidence in the discovery of what needs to be said. So many sessions can be filled with chatter, it's the silences that are a prelude to something meaningful. Fear is challenging to articulate. We fight against it, trying to put distance between ourselves and what is frightening.  When the silence can be the stillness then we change directions and move towards fear. To sit still with our fear is to understand and respect it's presence in our hearts. Silence in psychotherapy is an opportunity for change, not a resistance to treatment. 

When the master 

Without a word raises his eyebrows

The posts and rafters

The cross beams and roof tree

Begin to smile

There is another place for conversing

Heart to heart

The full moon and the breeze

At the half-open window. 

                                 - Muso Soseki (1275-1351). courtesy of dailyzen.com 

I can still bring up moments when a teacher or a supervisor told me they were pleased with my work. There is a real challenge in developing confidence as a therapist. When I first started I kept thinking that any moment now this family I am working with is going to realize I do not know what I am doing.  My relationship with my clinical supervisor became a model for true not knowing. Her raised eyebrows helped me to pause and think about my thinking. There was never a sense of  getting it right or wrong. It was always about curiosity and discovery. These heart to heart conversations became the touchstone for my practice.  Not knowing became a foundation for my life.

Cold night, no wind, bamboo making noises,

Noises far apart, now bunched together, 

Filtering the pine-flanked lattice. 

Listening with ears is less fine than

Listening with the mind. 

Beside the lamp I lay

Aside the half scroll of sutra

 - Hsu-t'ang Chih-yu.                Courtesy of dailyzen.com 

As a family therapist I spend my days listening with great care to what others are saying about their lives, their fears, and their dreams. Do I listen with my ears or do I listen with my mind? We are taught to listen with evenly hovering attention so that we are not limiting our understanding of what is being said. How easy it is to decide what the issue is and to find all the statements that prove it. That is probably a good example of listening with my ears. When I remain open and fully present with my client, connecting empathically with the fears and concerns, I am listening with my mind and I guess, by default,listening with my heart. Deep listening allows compassion to be truly altruistic. 

Truth's naked radience, 

Cut off from the sense and the world, 

Shines by itself. 

No words for it. 

                           - Pai-chang (720-814)

When I am sitting quietly, content with my life, I feel that radiance. When I am angry, anxious and outraged over something someone has done , that radiance is a little more elusive. To deny my feelings does not seem to be the answer. To sit with the rage is hard, very hard. I will ruminate on all that has happened, what was said, what I plan to say. I run these dialogs in my head and they all seem to favor an aggressive response that puts the other in their “place”. I return to the in breath and for a moment it is just me and my rage. No relief from anything, it is a toxic weight on my heart and at the same time it is an important part of who I am. And that becomes the task, accepting both parts with equal regard and respect. Perhaps it is contentment that sits between me and the shining radiance of truth. The journey continues...