Truth's naked radience, 

Cut off from the sense and the world, 

Shines by itself. 

No words for it. 

                           - Pai-chang (720-814)

When I am sitting quietly, content with my life, I feel that radiance. When I am angry, anxious and outraged over something someone has done , that radiance is a little more elusive. To deny my feelings does not seem to be the answer. To sit with the rage is hard, very hard. I will ruminate on all that has happened, what was said, what I plan to say. I run these dialogs in my head and they all seem to favor an aggressive response that puts the other in their “place”. I return to the in breath and for a moment it is just me and my rage. No relief from anything, it is a toxic weight on my heart and at the same time it is an important part of who I am. And that becomes the task, accepting both parts with equal regard and respect. Perhaps it is contentment that sits between me and the shining radiance of truth. The journey continues...

You must perceive your essential nature before you attain enlightenment. What is perceiving essential nature? It means perceiving your own original nature. What is its form? When you perceive your own origianl nature, there is no concrete object to see. This is hard to believe in, but all buddhas achieve it. 

                                                                              - Hsueh-feng (822-908)

I have become a big fan of these questions. They are 1100 years old and can still stop me right in my tracks. I think I have an affection for answers, my comfort and self esteem respond very well to correct answers. Getting acknowledged for a good answer by someone else is icing on the cake. What is perceiving essential nature does not really allow for a quick answer. It invites me to come and sit for moment, quiet the ongoing monologue in my head and pay attention to it's essence. 

It has been asked, "How should those who enter the path apply their minds?"

All things are originally uncreated and presently undying. Just let your mind be free; you don't have to restrain it. 

See directly and hear directly; come directly and go directly. When you must go, then go; when you must stay, then stay.

This is the true path. A scripture says, "Conditional existence is the site of enlightenment, insofar as you know it as it really is." 

                        - Niu-t'ou Hui-chung (683-769) courtesy of dailyzen.com 

I have a great talent of taking simple tasks or plans and making them overwhelmingly complex. Frustrations mount exponentially and my tolerance becomes non existent. I have had this talent for most of my life and it has created all kinds of suffering. To see and hear directly is clearly the antidote to all this meshugaas . The idea of coming and going directly is so profoundly simple that it proves to be elusive. One breath at a time for this one. “The journey of a thousand miles.....”

”If you knew me as well as you know yourself, you would not have killed me.” These words are inscribed on every genocide memorial in Rwanda. It was an honor to have been a part of Bernie Glassman's Bearing Witness Retreat in Rwanda. Sitting next to the mass graves in deep silence opened my heart and mind to “not knowing” and allowed me to listen fully to the stories of survivors and perpetrators. Their stories are my stories, their stories are our stories. The connection to the people of that remote part of the world was as natural and real as any family member or friend here in the States. The people in Zen Peacemakers carved out a safe space for all of us to step into the darkest of the dark and find the light of reconciliation and renewal. I will be forever grateful to them and my new friends in Rwanda for this profound and illuminating experience. 

Attain the center of emptiness,

Preserve the utmost quiet; 

As myriad things act in concert, 

I thereby observe the return. 

Things flourish, 

Then each returns to its root. 

Returning to the root

Is called stillness: 

Stillness is called return to Life, 

Return to Life is called the constant; 

Knowing the constant is called enlightenment. 

                                              - Tao-te Ching (courtesy of dailyzen.com)

I am mesmerized by this passage. The connection between returning to the root and enlightenment is a luminous path for me. When the days get very busy and hectic. When I have countless concerns and worries I need to pause long enough to discern the path I am on. That is not so easy. It is almost as if I hold on to all those worries like they are precious possessions that belong to me and no one else. Letting go seems too easy and seems close to denial. My worries are legitimate and the possibility of horrible things happening is valid. Then I read this passage and it opens the eyes of my heart to the background of all my thoughts. Stillness becomes a refuge for me to return to life. And I know that I can return as many times as I need to.

I explain to you matters pertaining to enlightenment,

But don't try to keep your mind on them. 

Just turn to the ocean of your own essence

And develop practical accord with its nature. 

 - Yangshan ( dailyzen.com)

To develop practical accord with the nature of my own essence seems easier said than done.  When I am impatient or defensive or resentful I know I am out of touch with my essence. When I am sitting and following my breath without counting I am in touch with my essence. When I want to be there again I know that it will elude me. When I can be helpful I have more of those moments of clarity. Wondering if the acceptance of those moments is a large part of developing a practical accord with the nature of my own essence.

People who study Buddhism 

Should seek real, true 

Perception and understanding for now.

If you attain real, true 

Perception and understanding,

Birth and death don't affect you;

You are free to go or stay.

You needn't seek wonders,

For wonders come of themselves. 

                  - Linji (d. 867?)

Finding time to study Buddhism can be a challenge. My days fill up so easily. The intention of studying remains strong. My plan to sit and study later in the day becomes a week and eventually a month. I become resentful about the importance of study. How easy it is to rationalize my management of time so that my priorities of obligations and self care simply make it impossible to carve out time for sitting. I wish I could write something here about a discovery and an amazing change to all this. It wouldn't be true. The importance of study can easily overshadow the act of study. When I take a precious moment and pay attention to an in-breath I have a better chance  to attain real and true perception and understanding.