The mirror on the wall

When any one of us looks in a mirror the image before us is much more than than our eyes processing our reflection. The experience is heavily influenced by our self awareness, including all that we admire and all we detest about ourselves. These beliefs are forged over the years by our successes and our failures. The family is at the center of this complex and dynamic process. When a family comes in for therapy their issues are usually magnified by conflicting perceptions of each other.

The ultimate goal for the developing self is a strong sense of individuality coupled with a strong affiliation with family. So much of this is contingent on factors outside of our control. The interaction of our neurological strengths and weaknesses with the unpredictable environment accounts for a great deal of self identity. The family is the main stage for these factors to play out. Severe dysfunction in a family, like addictions, domestic violence, or sexual abuse compromises the member's sense of individuality. Everyone has a role to play for the family to keep intact. The need to compensate for severe dysfunction comes with a price for each family member.

Therapy addresses this issue by helping the family to acknowledge the issues in a non judge mental setting. The idea that we are who we are and the fact that the family is sitting in my office wanting to get better is a very powerful combination. The  unconditional love a family must have to pile in the car and drive out to see me, usually in the evening after school and work, is brought out in conversations about how each member feels about themselves and each other. Anger gives way to fear and shame. We hold these feelings with the respect they deserve and use them to connect with compassion and loving kindness. When there is a sense of being loved by the others there is greater awareness of the love we have to give to others.

When the experience with the mirror is one of reassurance  we can step away from our family and keep them in our hearts as we pursue our dreams.

The Panic Button

Rarely has a family come to therapy to avoid a crisis. The idea of seeking professional help in anticipation of a problem does not make a whole lot of sense. Actually that kind of reasoning is more symptomatic of an anxiety disorder.  I was told the Chinese symbol for crisis is the same symbol for opportunity. It is translated in the context of it's use. In therapy there is a search for the opportunities that exist in each crisis.

Hitting the panic button is natural reaction to anything that threatens a family or a particular member of a family. The basic rules of fight or flight apply equally to a family.  Panic is a reaction, it makes sense to realize one does not consider options and decide on panic. Reactions are immediate like reflexes they happen without hesitation without intention. Family therapy addresses the consequences of a family's reactions.

Anger is the most destructive force in panic. Parents can respond with anger when they are afraid, an angry teenager is a classic stereotype of the crisis of adolescence. Family has an important role of validating it's members, in terms of commonality and of uniqueness. When anger is the dominating emotion in family communication , a cycle of defensiveness sets in and the family is stuck with the battle over who is right and who is wrong.

The process of de briefing provides a structure for a family to work through the hurt feelings and identify the new challenges it may face with the new opportunities. Focus on listening and understanding shifts a family from reactivity to mindful wondering. Change can then be something everyone can step into knowing they have the love and support from each other.

Go Ask Your Mother

A classic expression many of us have used on more than one occasion. Deferring requests from our children is a time honored strategy for conflict avoidance. Right behind that is the "if it's okay with your father it's okay with me”. Under the usual give and take of daily life these statements pose little or no harm on a family's ability to meet each other's needs.  A child's request for more than what they already have has been the subject of debate in many parenting  circles.  Decisions to say yes or no are very simple on the surface but can also be suggestive of deeper conflicts in family roles and expectations.

Each time a conflict is avoided the ability to tolerate conflict is diminished. When patterns of avoidance dominate a family the ability to trust and respect is compromised.  A child perceives a parent's avoidance as a rejection. The opposite of love is not hate it is indifference and it is indifference that will create more significant damage to a family than a good old fashion fight ever could. When we are fully present with our family we can take care of the unpleasant task of saying no to someone we love knowing that our compassion for each other can only be strengthened by the work conflict may bring.

Taking It Out on Each Other

Difficult times in the world are felt in different ways by families. I want to make the distinction between direct and indirect stressors. Life stressors run the range of impact, from a devastating loss of a loved one to losing cable and internet during a thunderstorm. Anxiety is the response to stress and we are alerted to a change that needs our attention. Problem solving and coping will be clear when the life stressor is clear. It is much easier to understand someone's irritability when everyone knows it is a tough time. Direct stressors are best exemplified by a family's relocation to another part of the country. The family knows that the “adjustment” can be easy or tough for each family member.

When the stressors are subtler and more indirect there is a greater tendency to feel unjustly attacked or criticized by a family member . This is especially true for those families who have lost a loved one and are two to three years into their mourning. Tempers can be short, kids can act out at school or at home and couples can have a lower tolerance for each other's faults or bad habits. On a subtler scale the culmination of various family member's individual life stressors  can raise the tension level at home. If a family is unaware of the source of this tension members will experience the difficulties as personal attacks. Defensive reactions and arguments over who is right and who is wrong become ineffective ways of resolving conflicts and in fact become an additional stressor on the family.

Taking time to listen to each other, to communicate an understanding of what each member is going through in their individual lives, will create a pause in the tension. A pause long enough for everyone to engage in a more reflective conversation. Family meetings can be a great way to make this happen. Find a time that is best for everyone, make sure everyone is fed and rested, and open the meeting with each member getting the opportunity to talk about the struggles and issues they are having while everyone else listens.  From here a family has a much better chance of working out conflicts, maintaining family rules and expectations; and finding new ways to be with each other.